The Abyss Of Life And Death

Part I: Death

To say that the view is beautiful from up here is an understatement. One may be able to discern or leastways imagine the vast vegetation that lies hundreds of feet below through the sea of mist that forms this time of the year. They beckoned to itself any soul standing there at the edge of the cliff.  Countless souls have been here to make a leap that would free them off their petty troubles. Little did they know that about 50 meters below is a rocky protrusion that forms another cliff of sorts which, thanks to the trickery of the light, is barely noticeable from the top. Of course some of them succeeded on the spot while the some bled and starved for days before death. Nobody can hear you here. Nobody ever comes here except of course people who wants to end it and then Joby. Joby comes up here almost every Sunday; sometimes in the afternoon on week days or whenever he can. He doesn't like noises. He doesn't stay at home for too long. He abhors the incessant wailing and griping of the kids and their mother next door. He hates the bustling sound of his little town. He's generally easily annoyed but not short tempered. He finds tranquility in the sounds of the nature and of course, music.

 He finished the last cigarette and threw it away. He sat at a safe distance from the edge. The Edge Of The World is what people call it. The folklore is that Death resides here and it tricks people and instils in them a compulsion to explore the depths beyond the cliff. Some have claimed to see a man in white clothes standing at the very edge facing them and beckoning them. While others claim to have seen a dark hooded figure, Joby claims that he has seen a little girl here. A sweet child of not more than 10 years of age, humming a tune, running about dangerously close to the edge before finally disappearing and one is obliged to go an rescue her. He has seen this phenomenon a couple of times though Joby never spoke much of it for he feared of being ridiculed, but most people did not disbelieve him. They believed that death can come in any form be it a child or a monster or even something as seemingly insignificant as a pebble. Joby has often wondered why exactly people keep away from this place. It is a beautiful place however frightening the legend associated with this place might be. It is the silence that is the most striking feature of this place, though there is no true silence. It is the silence of the mind perhaps because of the tantalizing, otherworldly, yet frightening view from atop or as the folk would say the trickery of Death.

Evening was over and the sun had set just then. Joby didn't want to leave. The most Joby had stayed here is till 8pm. The descent downwards takes about an hour and he usually reaches home before it's dark. Not this day though. For today he intends to spend the night here. He brought the ample supplies for his stay though he had a half mind to drop the idea altogether. He doesn't know what the night life is like here. "I should have brought Nandu along." he muttered to himself. He wasn't the bravest of souls but Joby liked Nandu more than his other colleagues. But bringing Nandu along might scare her and he may not get a chance to get close to her. The child. The little girl he claims to have seen.

It was another day much like this one when Joby had stayed there for just too long and decided to go back. It was night time and the silvery rays of the moon illuminated the ground. He was about to turn and leave and that was when he heard a voice. A child's laughter. He looked back squinting around for the source of the voice and there it was. It was almost as if it was a dream. A little girl was sitting there at the edge. She was humming a tune and was faced away from him looking towards the depths. Then as if someone called to her she turned her head to reveal a bright face. She then giggled and started playfully running away from some unseen individual or a  force. Joby was flabbergasted and too frightened to move. The girl had run away from his sight but Joby didn’t move for a while. He later walked way from there scared to his wits. Then another day same thing happened but then Joby had decided to follow and follow he did but in vain. She disappeared before not too long in the pursuit. After that day he decided that he needed absolute proof for himself that he wasn't hallucinating.

 The leaves rustled in the slight breeze and there began an altercation of the night insects, a little further away. There were occasional howls of the wild dogs. It was 7.30pm. Joby waited. He was patient. He was laid on his back on the bare rocky surface devoid of life. It was a strange feature. Trees and grasses grew a 50 meters away from the edge but not anywhere between. He looked to the sky. Stars were shining bright and the moon too. The whole view had a hypnotizing quality. Memories welled up inside him. He found joy in them and mostly grief. Is memory a gift or a curse in the human brain, let alone a perverted sense of nostalgia? Were those moments really any better than the present? Should one always live in denial of the present while dwelling in something as unreal as the past at any given moment? Memories too are subject to distortion. While some maybe true, is there always truth in the impressions that it leaves behind?

 'Why are the cigarettes always gone?' he mumbled to himself.

 He sat upright and squinted around. There was no one. He sat like that for sometime staring to the infinity. What lies ahead all this? It was strange that one existed at all, he thought. To what purpose? What meaning does this life devoted to working for betterment of someone else's enterprise while one rotted from within of boredom of routine and self pity, can possibly have. It was a life nonetheless. He wasn't always a good son to his mother. His mother loved him as he did her, but for the most parts of his young life he remained troubled, giving her a hard time. Every tear she shed on his account, fell on his chest like a red hot molten iron. He had convinced himself in his teen years that he was just an afterbirth. Dead and worthless. He was almost a failure as a young man but fortune came to his side before it was too late. He graduated after long, was given a chance to work at a major company and therefore regained confidence in himself. He wanted her to be happy. To purge the tragedies of the past in her happy tears became his sole purpose from then on. Although he could never fulfil his desire. He never shed a single tear on the day of her funeral. Though his memory of that day or the days before remains obscure this day, he remembered the haunting smile on her face that day. Until then he had a purpose in life, but not anymore. Attempts were made to burn the past to start anew. But some wounds never really heals. He doesn't remember his mother's face anymore but her unconditional affection remained as a painful memory forevermore.

Part II: Life

She was humming a tune. He loved the tune very much. It was their favorite song. But he found pleasure in annoying her. He repeated after her mockingly. "Shut up!! Shut up!" she said half laughing and screaming. She always did that. She was never completely angry. He loved to see her laugh that way. She was sitting on a wooden swing tied to one of the lower branches of a huge tree. It was their favorite place. She sang as she swung back and forth. He mocked her again. This time she got off the swing and strode away to woods. "Come on! I was only joking".

"You don't like me singing."

"That’s not true. I love it!"

He ran behind her.

"I am so sorry."

"You do it every time I am going."

"No you are not!" he caught hold of her frock.

"Leave me! Leave my frock alone!"

The tug and pull eventually led to her frock being torn. She ran away crying. He felt so sorry that he tasted his own tears. He ran after her yelling how sorry he was.

 "I would never have done it. I am so sorry!" he said in hushed voice.

 "I am so sorry" he shouted running after her. "I am so sorry I had to make you cry.''

He couldn't find her. He ran and ran and ran. At last there she was sitting there near the edge, humming a tune. He called to her. She looked back at him.  She was smiling. Then she was lying on the floor. He went towards her. There was blood on her forehead. Her eyes staring right at him.

Joby woke up with a scream. It was 12 am. The moon had gone far away.

"Did I miss it? Oh no!" No no no no no no"

He slept a bit too long. There was no point in setting up the tent. The air was cold. He bit his lip and skin flaked off. He lied down and closed his eyes again. There was no more sleep but he kept them closed anyway. His chest felt heavy with the mid-night remorse. He couldn't take it anymore. He got up from the floor and walked about. That was when he noticed that it was dead silent. Insects had ceased their shrill. The breeze was there no more. Everything had become dead still, as if the earth will spin nevermore. A moment of that enigmatic serenity followed.

Then there was that familiar tune.

He followed it with his eyes and his ears.

There she was. She was looking at him. Smiling.

He felt disoriented. His chest felt heavier. He kneeled on the ground before the apparition.

She came closer to him. The silvery face was now very clear. He could do nothing but stare at those eyes for sometime.

She gave him a giggle and looked away. Joby's eyes were still fixed on her ghostly visage. He could hear his own heart beating. She walked about him in a circle and stood in front of him, his face to her face. She held out her hands. Joby jerked in alarm. She held it out closer to his face. Joby moved his head closer to her hands cautiously. The ice cold hands touched his face. His chest exploded. Joby tasted his own tears. He broke down right there. He sobbed uncontrollably. The child held him closer to her chest. He sobbed hard on her breast and she sang the tune. He felt his chest draining out years of suppressed emotions and memories. He looked at her smiling face and stroked her hair.

'' I am so sorry. I never meant to make you cry." he said sobbing.

 "It wasn't your fault. It was never your fault." said the child.

 "I am so sorry you had to die in vain and so much pain." he could barely talk.

 "You have lived in so much pain. It is time to take away all that. Cry. It has been years since you cried."

He cried for a long time.

Moments passed. He cried on and on. He cried till he could cry no more. 

 "Can you ever forgive me for what I have done?" he asked teary eyed.

 The child affectionately stroked his hair. "Can you forgive yourself?" she asked him back.

"How can I? How can I forgive myself!"

"What if it was my fault?" said the child. Tears were now flowing down her cheeks.

"No! It wasn't! It WASN"T!! It was me! Me alone!! Please…… do not cry. I…I. cannot bear it"

"Come with me. "

She held his hand and helped him up. She led him to the edge of the cliff.

"For how long can you live in self pity and remorse? Look here. Here, at this very place many had given up their hopes of life. You could be one of them. You are just like them. Dwelling in the past forever paying no heed to the possibilities that life has to offer or even worse, denying them."

"There is nothing for me here. I do not ask for more from life because anything more would lead to more pain. I have only given pain to those whom I love. I cannot bear to live with that. It is painful"

"Life is pain. It’s a journey from one pain to another. It is the pain that drives everyone. It is the pain defines for one a purpose"

"Not this pain. Whatever force instilled upon me a pain such as this, it wasn't fair.", he said looking up.

"Everything is fair in death and life. Anything you do and everything comes with a price which before long you have to pay back. Your actions alone controls your fate."

He smiled "Newton's third law".

"That is how it all works. Nothing within this world is free from it. Neither you nor me at this very moment."

"There is nothing for me here."

"If that is what you truly believe. You should make the leap like the others."

"Perhaps I should", he said.

Perhaps I should.

He felt the gaping abyss summoning him. It was dark. A portal to the unknown land that will perhaps provide the peace he has for so long sought after. Maybe that is why he comes up here.

Bonds of life tugged at him harder than ever. It is never easy to escape its bonds.

"Isn't it ironic?...... That the leap itself is harder than life?" she said.

"It is.", he smiled thinking about it.

He looked away from the chasm to her. She was there with him. Holding his hands.

"Mother." he sighed. "I am sorry. I am sorry for everything."

"Son!" sighed the woman standing beside him, "I am happy here. I am happy that you did well for yourselves. I am happy for you."

"I wish you were there with me in my better days." he sobbed.

"Forget the past son. Forget her. Forget it ever happened."

"It is not easy."

"It is easy. You can come with me. Here it is bliss. Nothing hurts here. Nothing can hurt you here. We can be together as one here." said the mother.

"Or you can live here. And live for love. Pass on the love you believe I didn't get, to another."

"Or you can come with me Joby? You can jump." said the girl

He suddenly felt a clarity in his mind.

"You can live trying to forget the pain and live. Or you can make the leap and be free of it forever. You can come with us or you can stay."

He knew what he had to do. He closed his eyes.

"Come with us." they said in union.

He saw their faces in the darkness of his closed eyelids. They shone bright as the sun from the deep recesses of his memory. But not for long. It was fading. Very slowly the darkness was creeping in.

"Or you can stay"

It felt like bliss.

It was dark finally and it felt like bliss.

He found peace. He has found the peace he, unknown to himself, had hoped to find here.

He was at peace.